I think I’ve figured out the most flawless way to sort your Hogwarts House and it all has to do with how you handle relationships—in particular, the pursuit of. This isn’t full-proof, as I am not a hat, but I am wearing one so that half counts, right?
Okay I lied, I’m not really wearing a hat. :(
This surface-level, stereotyped, completely unreliable diagnosis is sure to do nothing to help you in your quest for The One, or even your quest to discover your true House. Enjoy!
You’re the Go-Getter, or rather, the Go-Get-Her. You’re all up in this club, dancing, having fun, asking for numbers, and the best part about you is you never take a rejection as, well, rejection. For you, it’s a temporary set back, and you just try again tomorrow. I admire you. You’re the person I want to be. You’re the person everyone wants to be. How do you do it? What is your secret? WHAT IS THIS MAGIC?
Gryffindors have varying levels of success, but what’s key to the Gryffindor being a Gryffindor is that you keep trying and never give up. It’s like you lot have this innate ability to believe in something, whether it’s in the romantic ideals of everlasting love or that a one night stand can be completely satisfying and shoot, that’s okay with you! Four for you, Gryffindor-dor, you go, Gryffindor-dor! The only thing I ask of you, Oh Brave One, is to not let yourself get too carried away. I mean, do what you want, but like, being brave doesn’t mean you should be careless. Use some common sense and be safe, okay?
You poor flower. You poor little flower, I am so so so so so sorry. You’re the first to be Friend Zone’d, aren’t you? I know, you’re right, it’s not fair! You’re just so likable. I mean it. You’re the guy the girl doesn’t want to lose; the girl that all the guys find so accessible. You’re the nice guy who finishes last, and you’re the girl who’s just one of the boys. I’m not going to tell you that you’re too nice and convince you that treating girls (or anyone) badly will make them want your affection and suddenly fall for you, because you’re smart enough to see that people who need validation from people who treat them like crap are not ready for the relationship efforts you want to give, right?
Listen, just relax. As long as you keep believing in the goodness of people, you’ll figure it out. People might joke that Hufflepuffs end up as the crazy cat ladies, but I don’t believe that. I believe that the elderly coupling holding hands in the park are Hufflepuffs. They’re unflinchingly loyal to the life they’ve made with their significant badger. I may wish I had the courage of the Gryffindor for today, but I hope I have the love of a good Hufflepuff for life.
Oh, my fellow Ravenclaws. We are literally the worst. The worst. We are the over-thinkers. The ones who cannot stop talking about it, analyzing it, talking ourselves into the fact that maybe this could be it! and then realizing that no, no it’s not, you’re a fool and a failure and also you’re ugly and go jump off the Astronomy Tower you no good useless piece of yuck.
We have got to take a chill pill, but for as brainy as we are, we don’t know how. Everyone tells us to lighten up and get over it (shut up, Gryffindors, you don’t know our pain!) but we can’t because being in our heads is all we really know how to do. Usually it works in our favor, like in the case of rocking an exam or writing a great song. We’re also the ones who give really, really great, reasonable, unbiased relationship advice to our friends, and we do this because we’re fantastic observers. It takes us so much longer to get where others are because we’re afraid of making mistakes, so we spend our time watching others and trying to learn from them first. It’s okay. We’ll get there.
Probably not, though, actually.
I’m going to make this very clear: the reason you are single is because you inevitably decide you deserve better. Maybe this is in a sort of mean way, maybe not. I think we all have this tendency sometimes (in fact, we all have a little of each house in us), and most of the time when we decide this, it’s not malicious. In fact, it might not even be a conscious thought. But that’s what happens. You find a reason to not be with the person, and if we remove all your fluff of explanations and reasoning it inevitably is because you think you’re better than them.
And maybe you are! I mean, I can’t really argue when you decide to call it off with Umbridge. But really, don’t you think your standards are just a teensy bit high? No? Okay. On your way, then.
At the end of the day, you only want the best for yourself, and that’s to be respected. You won’t settle, and by golly, I admire that about you. I’m at that point in my life where I would totally say yes to dinner and a show with an Umbridge. I mean, seriously, that’s where I am in life.
I know, I’m concerned about me, too.